


Operant Conditioning

by velocitygrass



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Break Up, Emotional Baggage, M/M, Partner Betrayal, Past Relationship(s), Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-08
Updated: 2008-06-08
Packaged: 2018-01-27 21:59:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1723898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His heart broke just the same, and in that moment, he decided he'd never let it happen again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Operant Conditioning

**Author's Note:**

> Written for McSheplets challenge #21: Abstain
> 
> Thank you very much for the beta, neevebrody! Also, I blame darsynia for coming up with this challenge ;P
> 
> I absolutely hate unhappy endings, so I finally wrote a [sequel](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1723919) to fix it.

When Rodney McKay was seventeen, he fell in love with Patrick Stevens. It was his freshman year at university and Patrick was tall, handsome, sexy, and had a casual coolness that Rodney would never have. He taught Rodney the quirks of American culture, how to blend in despite his age, how to handle life on campus and how to deep-throat. That first year in the United States had been complete and utter bliss in every way.

Then Patrick dumped him to initiate another freshman into the wonders of university life and gay sex. Rodney was devastated, then angry, then bitter. He concentrated on studying and discovered that if you insulted people a lot and were generally disagreeable, everyone left you alone.

When Rodney was twenty-two, he fell in love with Michael Richter. Michael was a member of the Biology faculty, which Rodney thought was a moron "science", but Michael was anything but a moron. He was smart, handsome, with an understated sense of humor and a laid-back attitude that immediately attracted Rodney. When he came into Rodney's tiny undergraduate apartment, he was also incredibly passionate. Michael told Rodney he wanted their relationship to be a secret because even though he was in a different faculty it would be frowned upon if he was with an undergraduate. Rodney didn't mind too much. They could hide until he had his second degree in a year.

Eight months later, Michael's wife returned from her year abroad. Rodney didn't know whether to be more angry about his own stupidity or the fact that he still cared about Michael. He switched to a different university for his first doctorate.

When Rodney was thirty, he met Major Robert Levinson. Robert had no formal scientific education, but he was smart, easy-going, and had an unassuming charm that made him a pleasure to work with. Rodney didn't want to think about any other pleasures. Robert was good-looking and had a mouth that drove Rodney to distraction, but not even Rodney was so blind not to see that a relationship could only end in heartbreak.

They struck up a friendship instead. When Robert talked about the challenges of being a gay officer in the military, Rodney listened and told him he understood. Rodney knew that Robert felt more than just friendship. But he was resolved not to start something that wouldn't just have to stand the tests of _any_ relationship, but the added stress of having to hide it.

Then Robert's mother died and a comforting hug turned into a kiss and Rodney wasn't strong enough to deny himself what they both wanted so badly. And it was good for a while. They had to be careful in the presence of others, but the time they spent alone more than made up for that. Rodney found himself content, almost happy.

Of course it couldn't last. After fifteen months, Robert told him that he was marrying the lesbian friend who posed as his girlfriend occasionally. It wasn't an easy decision, but he felt he needed to do it if he wanted to have a shot at being promoted. It would be just for show, of course, and it wouldn't have to change anything for them. Only it would and Rodney finally saw the truth. His content life was a lie. He loved Robert and Robert loved him, but he wasn't going to attend picnics with the happy couple staged for the sake of Robert's superiors while he was being introduced as "a friend".

Rodney ended it, not willing to take Robert up on the offer not to marry, to keep things as they were. He wouldn't stand in the way of his career. Not when all they could ever have would be a life in hiding. It was a hard decision, but he made it. It had broken his heart when Patrick and Michael left him. It turned out that being the one to end a relationship wasn't any better.

When Rodney was thirty-four, he met Aleksandr Bulatov. Aleks was stationed at the same Russian base where Rodney was assigned after an unfortunate event at the SGC. He had a somewhat crude sense of humor, but he was good-natured and could be almost sweet at times. When he smiled, it was like the rising sun, and Rodney felt an attraction to him that wasn't just caused by cold, lonely nights.

He tried to resist, but in the end, he gave into temptation. This time however he resolved not to become too invested. He knew that this was just going to be a temporary assignment. It wasn't a relationship, it was an _arrangement_ that suited both of them.

It seemed easy enough. Rodney wasn't a stranger to casual sex. He thought he had everything under control, but then at night, when Aleks whispered sweet nothings into his ear, only half of which Rodney could understand, he found himself falling hard. He knew that it would end and soon he knew _when_ it would end, but that didn't make it any easier when the time came.

On their last night together, Aleks whispered words of regret that he couldn't leave his family, and Rodney only nodded, hardly hearing the words. It didn't matter why it would end. And it didn't matter that he'd known it would. His heart broke just the same and in that moment, he decided he'd never let it happen again.

When Rodney was thirty-six, he met John Sheppard. John was everything that he'd loved about Patrick, Michael, Robert, and Aleks. He was like a tall warning sign to Rodney with crazy hair and dorky charm. Rodney didn't let it sway him in his resolve. But John made it hard. He asked Rodney to be on his team and was smart and funny and courageous and so damn eager to do the right thing. Rodney tried to keep his distance. He never called John by his first name. He let his disagreeable personality come through. But John didn't seem to mind. He kept inviting Rodney to spend time with him, and Rodney could feel himself weakening.

John's encounter with Chaya left Rodney bitter. But it was watching John fly to his death—by the bomb that Rodney built—that resolved things for him. It was as if a switch had turned on in his mind. Facing John's loss had been terrifying, and it had only lasted a few minutes. He had to stop thinking of John that way and this time it worked. He started dating Katie Brown. He developed his _friendship_ with John, and it was nothing more and nothing less.

Years went by and Rodney was content. He wasn't happy. His relationship with Katie Brown failed. There were times when his feelings for John edged into the region that he wouldn't call friendship, when John nearly died or the inevitable moments of jealousy that, no matter what, Rodney was unable to control. But those were exceptions.

Then Rodney realized that John was attracted to him. He told himself that it didn't change anything. It didn't matter that John wanted him, because he didn't want John. He didn't want him because he would never really have him. He thought of his relationships with men, in particular Aleks and Robert. Robert who had the same eyes as John with that hint of sadness that came with making sacrifices in life. It wouldn't be any different with John. Rodney thought that John knew that too, because he never said anything, never confronted Rodney with his feelings. Until the day he did.

It was a mission gone wrong, and John thought he'd lost Rodney, but instead of swallowing down the flood of emotions, he'd grabbed Rodney and kissed him.

Rodney hadn't expected it. He hadn't been prepared for it, and in that first moment, he saw himself returning the kiss, putting his arms around John, touching him, loving him, being with him.

But then he'd seen Patrick with his new boytoy, Michael with his wife, the proud but hard look on Robert's face when he was promoted to Lieutenant Colonel, and Aleks as he waved goodbye.

Never again.

He didn't push John away. He didn't have to. He simply stayed frozen still until John pulled away.

"I'm sorry," John stumbled out, unable to look at Rodney.

Rodney wanted to say, "Don't be," but what came out was a stiff, "No harm done."

It wasn't true. He could see the pain in John's eyes, even if he wouldn't look at Rodney.

Rodney didn't feel any pain though. He didn't feel anything at all. With Patrick, Michael, Robert, and Aleks it had been a stab right into the core of his being. With John, it was as if that part of him didn't exist anymore. There was nothing left but emptiness.

John hastily turned around and beat his retreat.

Rodney didn't watch him go. A weak smile formed on his lips. He'd finally done it.

Nobody would ever break his heart again.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Positive Reinforcement](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1723919) by [velocitygrass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass)




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